How was your 2017? Was it wonderful, challenging, cruel, full of heartbreaks, or your best year yet?
2017 was much like 2016 to me– one big, endless roller coaster complete with enough loops and turns to make your stomach sick.
I had days when I had no desire to human with other humans. There were days when I felt anxious and depressed, believing nothing was going to get better in my little world. There were days that my struggles and mental health left me believing that I’d never experience any joy in life ever again.
There were also days of triumph and joy; days when I realized why it was so important to continue fighting and having hope regardless of poor choices on my end and the heavy feeling that nothing would ever get better. I had friends help me through some of the most darkest moments of my life; they took on the challenge of not only helping me but offering me accountability when I needed it.
There were setbacks and disappointments followed by hard choices that no one likes to make… like cutting certain people/friends out of your life, or quitting a job you love to take proper care of yourself.
Yes, 2017 was good, bad, and ugly… and yet all the messiness pushed me to seek God like never before. Even when I didn’t feel like I should ask God for any help, because you know how he LOVES helping perfect people only (sarcasm), I got on my knees and prayed.
I searched scripture like my life depended it on it. God revealed to me how broken I was and how desperately I needed Him.
He paved a way for me to get the help I needed, brought me in touch with people who helped me in a time of depression, and always, ALWAYS provided for my needs.
As I continued depending on God, my trust in Him deepened. I felt less lonely. I felt confidence and hope soar. My PTSD stemming from an assault and the depression of losing a child didn’t magically go away, but facing it with God made me stronger.
When i was tempted time and time again to look for something to fill the ache and satisfy the rage in my heart, I released these burdens to God. There were times where I’d yell and let everything out, believing God would handle it… and He did; He took it like a champ. Others days when my heart felt too much sorrow and frustration, I’d tell Him I hated Him. However, I never felt Him abandon me for it, nor get angry that He left me to deal with my problems alone.
I saw God’s faithfulness like never before.
So this year, while I certainly have no idea how things will go, I know I can entrust my plans, my needs, my desires, and my worries to God.
I’m sure there will be leaps of faith to take, setbacks, disappointments, and days where I would rather hide under a load of blankets on my bed… but I know I won’t have to face those days alone.
I’m ready to trust God like never before and believe what He says he’ll do. I may not always readily believe in His promises; I may not always FEEL like God has things under control, but looking back on 2017…
… I can remind myself what God has brought me through and choose to believe He can and will do what He’s promised.
I’m lying in bed, spending a lazy day with my baby sisters. I’m applying for jobs all over the area, figuring out how many books I want to read this year, and deciding which challenges do I want to take on… fully aware that 2018 is going to be a year of huge changes and adventures.
What are your plans/goals for the New Year?