In one of my previous posts, I shared about how I suck at cleaning up my own messes…
…but I have come to realize that I also suck at learning important lessons.
Maybe you’ve had days where you continually ask yourself where you went wrong in a situation, all the while the answer being right in front of you.
This has happened to me multiple times.
Especially in the area of patience & expectations.
I pray, read my bible, and ask God to show me what I’m doing wrong. Even though I may have experienced a specific problem before, I get this idea that the solution to the problem is different from the solution I discovered once before.
Example: I grew up in an environment where I was held to an impossibly high standard; I was expected to do everything right, even if I was just learning how to do something for the first time. I recall how scary it was for me to take on any new task because if I got it wrong, then I was a failure. The truth was that the standards I was being held to were idealistic & not realistic. No matter how much I was disciplined, and then told to get my act together, the bottom line was that the expectations I was almost being forced to meet were idealistic, not realistic.
Of course, when you grow up in a dysfunctional environment, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that you start acting the very same way others treated you. Although you may no longer live with people who’ve abused or mistreated you, old habits stick with you without you even noticing…
…boy, I wasn’t taught any of this stuff in school.
When I think of a lot of the problems I cause/create, I often try to find new answers/solutions to the messes I create… but very often, I sense God just taking me back to a simple solution he’d shown me before.
It gets discouraging at times, learning the same lessons over and over again. I can’t help feeling frustrated and angry when I notice that I’m still following old patterns of behavior and thinking.
Fear grips my heart and I begin to tell myself I’m a failure…
“You are of God, little children, and have overcome them, because He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.”
I John 4:4
…but God tells me different. Since I grew up being used to rebuke but hardly any encouragement, especially after a confrontation, I began to think that I needed to punish myself every time I got something wrong.
Yet as I’ve learned that God runs things much more differently than what I’ve grown used to, I realize that if He’s teaching/showing me the same lesson maybe for the 100th time, it is because He truly believes I can conquer it. He also shows me that I don’t have to face nor figure out the problem on my own; He’s got my back, and for that…. I am grateful.
I may need to pay closer attention to the lies I’ve believed for many years and tackle them more aggressively, but I don’t have to beat myself up nor tell myself that I’m a failure… because it is not what God believes.
To God, I’m more than a conqueror; I am His daughter; I am Loved; I am Redeemed.
Today, I’m thankful for the opportunities to correct my mistakes. And, most importantly, I’m thankful because I have God to help me.