The world teaches you that you can’t make mistakes, that you need to be tough, and that feelings shouldn’t matter. Chances are you’ve probably seen how well known celebrities are constantly under attack either for having a public meltdown, for wearing a certain piece of clothing more than once, or for gaining a few pounds. This then teaches many of us to be cautious of making mistakes… especially around others.
The world we live in today doesn’t forgive nor does it forget mistakes… and we have the internet to prove that.
For me, personally, I always fight hard to look & be strong. I might be having a tough day and feel depressed because of it, but I decide my feelings aren’t important so I pretend nothing is wrong.
I could be in a room full of people who know me and yet feel incredibly lost and all alone, so I tell myself I’m simply being stupid. The problem with this mentality is that i can only keep it up for so long… until I’m under a load of pain and discomfort that I feel the need to scream.
In my journey to finding wholeness, self-love, truth, and more about God, I’ve discovered that my feelings need to be validated and valued.
I don’t need to pretend that I’m okay every second of the day. It’s always wise to be cautious who I open up to about what I’m feeling but it’s never right to undermine my emotions.
The problem though, as many of you readers might understand, is that I hate feeling and looking vulnerable. While I may have wonderful friends who don’t mind giving a listening ear to me, my problem is I hate bothering them whenever I feel down. Many times I just wish that the first time I open up to them is my last.
Who wants to continue to hear someone crying about how they feel sad or hurt? Who wants to hear someone tell them for the 100th time that their anxiety, PTSD, the memory of their unborn child, or depression is driving them up the wall? Funny thing is that those I know don’t mind listening. And yet, I do mind that they take the time to listen.
I was taught to keep to myself and to not bother people with my problems. Growing up with reserved parents, crying in front of others might probably be followed up with, “if you continue crying, I’ll give you something to really cry about.”
Because emotions have a deadline. Emotions can’t be felt after a period of time. Emotions should be told when they need to stop and emotions need to obey. This seems to make sense… until stress and anxiety are too much to bear.
Right now, in this particular moment of my life, I have a lot going on. I’ve been blessed with a wonderful job, amazing friends, a supportive therapist, and a God who never fails to guide me in the direction I need to go. But I’m also struggling with PTSD, anxiety, stress, depression, and insomnia.
There are days when I don’t want to deal with my personal issues. There are days in which I don’t want to write (I didn’t even have the desire to write this blog post) and there are days when I wish I was suddenly cured of all my personal issues. I don’t like dealing with the process, I hate confronting myself and my emotions, and I hate that I have to be honest with myself, God, and my friends…. but I do it.
I realize the need to validate my feelings and figure out what’s wrong, but it’s not in my best interest to quit even when I feel like I want to. Quitting only prolongs the recovery process.
I’m often encouraged and challenged by a friend who always posts one single hashtag on his social profile- #TrustTheProcess.
There are days when I don’t want to trust the process; I’d rather deal with my mental health issues my own way… until I realize that dealing with them my own way is the reason why I’m still struggling in the first place. I can’t rush my recovery. I can’t just simply put a huge bandage over it and say, “Wa-la! I’m cured!!” Yet the process feels like an endless surgery.
But there’s good news for me even in the midst of uncertainty, discomfort, and pain… I will reap what I sow.
Galatians 6:9 says, “And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.”
You probably see this biblical verse in political rallies, colleges, maybe even in an athlete’s FB page, but I also feel that it’s appropriate for those who desire to conquer their own demons such as depression, trauma, resentment, unforgiveness, PTSD, etc.
I may feel defeated today, and I may feel defeated tomorrow… but the choices I make today and tomorrow will get me one step closer to living the life I’ve always wanted.
I may have a type of victim mentality, but every day it’s moving closer to victor mentality. I believe my Jesus has secured the victory for me… I just have to claim it and move closer towards it so it can transform me mind, body, and soul.
What about you? How do you deal with life’s difficulties and your own hurts? Do you have people to run to when you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel or do you prefer being left alone?